[recipe] Cranberry Muffins

I am so mad at Dave right now.  He asked me to make him cranberry muffins for breakfast with this recipe I found.  The bater was orgasmically good and the muffins are just taunting me.  Do I break keto?  Do I give a flying rat's ass?  THEY SMELL SO GOOD INTERROBANG

Also, I'm fat, and I have to be half naked in a play in four weeks...

[recipe] SF Keto Flax Brownies

I've been playing around with this recipe for Miracle Brownies a few times to completely different results.  They are good, and pretty easy to make.

FIRST ITERATION

When reading the recipe, I realized it asked for three full cups of sweetener, one cup liquid, one stick butter, four eggs, and two cups flax meal.  I was horrified by this amount of sweetener, so I only used one cup of erythritol with some baking splenda mixed in.  Dan loved them, but I couldn't get past how sweet they still were, and the texture of the flax meal reminded me a lot of wheat bran or corn hulls.

SECOND ITERATION

Like most weekends, I woke up wanting to bake something at random, and Dan requested flax brownies again.  We were out or low in a few ingredients, so I substituted.  I only used 1/4 C erythritol total, used extra cocoa powder instead of baker's chocolate, and subbed the last half cup of flax meal with a mixture of hemp and coconut flour.  I frekin loved these!  They had the same texture as the carbomb cupcakes I'd made the week before for Isilza, though a bit dry.  I want to make them like this again but add more cream next time.  There was one tray of mini cupcakes (15 minutes) and one of big cupcakes (20 minutes).  Dan found them not sweet enough.

THIRD ITERATION

This morning followed the same procedure.  This time I had all the ingredients, but the stove was in the dishwasher, so I had to add the baker's chocolate shaved instead of melted.  I upped the sweetener to 1/4 C erythritol and 1/4 C baking splenda, which was a good level of sweet.  Again in one tray of minis and one tray of regular cupcakes, but something made them really fluff up!  Dan loved them and deemed them the best batch.  I didn't like them nearly as much as last month's because they had the hully texture again, but it got better after they cooled.  A lot more fluffy like cake than moist and chewy like a brownie.  There's a bit of tinny aftertaste from the sweetener.

MY IDEAL NEXT ITERATION

I want to keep the sweetener from batch 3, but the solids from batch 2.  Maybe do 1.5 parts cocoa powder and 0.5 parts baker's chocolate, and twice as much cream.

[recipe] All-of-the-dairy-in-the-house and Broccoli Soup

1/2 C Grated mozzarella

1/2 C Grated cheddar

1/2 C Grated parmesan

1/2 C Full fat ricotta

1/4 lb Cream Cheese

1/4 lb Butter (1 stick)

1/2 C Heavy cream

1 lt Chicken broth

1 lb Broccoli (frozen works)

1/2 C Bacon crumbles

Blend or process all the cheeses and butter until homogeneous.  Slowly incorporate the heavy cream and then some of the broth.  Transfer to a pot on medium heat and slowly add the rest of the broth until soupy and warm, making sure you stir it so that it doesn't separate.

If necessary, heat up the broccoli in a pan before adding to the soup, along with bacon.  Season to taste with garlic, onion, pepper or chilis.

A dollop of sour cream makes for an awesome garnish.

[recipe] GF/SF/Wheat Free Cookies

I really love cookies.  They are one of the easiest things to make!  Especially when I can control myself enough to not eat all of the dough before they are baked. Today I am experimenting with reincorporating quinoa back into my diet, hoping it doesn't completely knock me out of keto.  I started with this Chewy Chocolate Chip recipe from Sacred Lightning as inspiration, and substituted some almond meal like from this Elana's Pantry Primal Gluten Free cookie recipe I devoured a few months ago.  So far, the raw dough is So Good! 

SF/GF/Wheat Free COOKIES 

1.5 c quinoa flour (previously toasted) 

0.75 c almond meal 

0.5 tsp baking soda 

--- 

0.5 c butter (salted is preferred) 

0.5 c coconut oil 

1.5 c baking Splenda 

--- 

1 tsp salt 

2 tsps vanilla extract 

2 eggs 

Preheat oven to 350°F and lay parchment on a cookie sheet. 

Mix flour, meal and soda in a dry bowl and set aside. 

Beat butter, oil and Splenda in mixer until fluffy. Add salt, vanilla and eggs until homogeneous. Incorporate dry ingredients a little at a time. I'm making an emphasis on adding them slowly because I always add them all at once and end up having to scrape them off the ceiling. 

Scoop 1" balls onto cookie sheet, 2" appart, and flatten. The amount of fiber in these cookies will not allow them to spread on their own, which is why the lower level looks straight out of the ice cream scooper.  Bake for ten minutes, give or take. They will not change color and look crispy due to the lack of sugar and wheat, but the outside will dry out and give a nice shell. You might want to wait for the molten core to cool down before eating, but who am I kidding.  Makes about three dozen (if you stop eating all the dough!)

In the spirit of ever improving, I plan on substituting some of the Splenda with soluble fiber to decrease the sweetness, without compromising the bulk.

[recipe] Adventures in Cauliflower Baking

Man, this stuff is amazing!  Cauliflower is a wonderful filler and substitute for flour, potato, and even cream.  The first thing I ever did with cauliflower was to boil it in broth and blend it, making a perfect chicken "cream" soup (the same is good if you use stuff like carrots or zucchini instead).

Today I tried two new recipes:  "pizza" and "brownies".

The pizza was pretty simple.  First you need to "rice" a cup of cauliflower, which means you chop, grate or process the cauliflower into a mince, and stick it in a pan until it cooks through.  About ten minutes.  I did this along with a tbsp of minced garlic and a bit of italian seasonings.  Then you mix it with a cup of grated mozzarella cheese and and egg, spread it on a cookie sheet, and bake at 450F for 15 minutes.  A dry, orange sharp cheddar gives the crunchiest results.

The sauce was even simpler.  I took a small can of V8 and simmered it with some red pepper flakes and black pepper, and then incorporated twice as much grated cheese until well disolved.  Spread this on the crunchy crust, top as desired, and broil for a couple of minutes right under the heat source.

Eat your little heart out!

It really tastes like pizza.  The texture, though, is a bit off.  You don't have the bread or gluten to chew through, but it tastes so good that it doesn't really matter. 

As for the brownies, I love I Breathe... I'm Hungry.  In this installment, she blends a cup of cauliflower pure with a cup of almond flour (we halved it with blended pecans because we ran out), half a cup of coconut flour, half of cacao powder, a cup of almond milk, three eggs, two oz of cream cheese, a stick of butter, two squared of bakers chocolate, and a half tsp of baking powder (with splenda and extracts to taste).  Melt stuff, blend stuff, and mix stuff together, then stick in a 9x9 buttered pan and bake for 35 minutes at 375F.  We wedged some SF chocolate chips and SF peanut butter cups in between

The texture is a bit powderier than your average brownie, but they are still absolutely amazing!  Now, I skipped the syrup and used bakers chocolate instead of Lindt 90%, both of which are not sweetened.  Make sure you compensate the splenda as necessary.  Another cool thing would have been if I used chopped pecans instead of powdered, but I really like my nuts.

Now, these two recipes are probably keto, if not very close to it.  They might be a tad high on the net carbs, but you can always sub in a bit more protein where need be.

I need to stop devouring food before getting pictures of everything.

PS:  These Primal Chocolate Chip Cookies are DA BOMB!  I'm just too lazy to give them their own entry because they didn't even make it through the afternoon.  Almond meal, egg, shortening, baking soda, sweetener, vanilla and chips.

[recipe] Not-Enough-Meat Meatloaf Cupcakes

One might think that meat is a critical part of meatloaf.  One might also think you only need one pound of ground beef for a one pound loaf pan.  Welp, this one was wrong.

I was so excited today when I went to the butchers and got ALL OF THE MEATS, that I didn't notice that one pound of ground beef is only about the size of two small apples.  The pan is about four times that size...  Well, cupcakes are small!  I can use a cupcake pan and stop filling it when I run out of meat!

You can use a lot of things as fillers in meatloaf.  I almost ran out of cupcake pan.  This is what I added, approximately and in this order.

0)  Preheat oven at 400 F.

1)  Hard boil three eggs; peel and quarter.

2)  Fry up a sliced onion with red pepper flakes, a tbsp of minced garlic, Worcestershire, Maggie and soy sauces.

3)  Line cupcake tin with a slice of thick cut bacon in each cup; bake for 10 minutes or so. Crispier is better, but make sure they don't collapse in on themselves.

4)  Toss onions in mixer with the pound of meat (half chuck, half baconburger) and start mixing in crap, like 1/4 lb sliced onion cheese in pieces, 1/4c hemp seeds, 1/2c almond meal, 1/4c wheat bran, 1/4c flax seeds, and about a tbsp of sundried tomatoes in oil I had left.

5)  Once the meat is all mixed and seasonings are adjusted, pull the bacon cups out of the oven and place tray on a trivet.  Using two spoons, put about a tbsp of meat inside each bacon-wrapped cup, add 1/4 hard egg, and fill to the top with the rest of the meat.

6)  Bake for 25 minutes, or until desired cookedness.

7)  Let cool on trivet.

8)  Omnomnom!

They came out very nice and moist, but the texture was a bit creamier than your standard loaf.  Once they were baking, I thought of other things I could have added that I have used successfully in meatballs, like rice (quinoa would also work), chipotle, green olives, chicken shreds, cream cheese, cocktail onions, panko or toast crumbs...

[recipe] Vegan Jelly Donut Cupcakes

One of the wonderful things about roller derby is that we constantly have bake sales, so I get to try out new recipes and force them on people ^_^  And because I'm sick of every bake sale being your typical box mix, full flour and sugar crap, I'm always the weirdo that makes alternative faire.  This week, vegan cupcakes!

Someone shared this wonderful recipe with me from Alicia Silverstone's blog "The Kind Life".  Now, I am violently opposed to PETA and its practices, and was really heartbroken when she decided to be a spokes person for them, but I will give her credit for living consistently and true to her values.

So.  Vegan Jelly Donut Cupcakes.  I could not stop eating the batter!  I mixed up two batches, adding 1/2 C cocoa powder to the second one.  I don't know if this is what made them fluff up so much, or that since I mixed them up second, the vinegar and baking soda hadn't gone flat by the time I stuck them in the oven.  Or it could also be that I used coconut oil in the vanilla batch and crisco in the chocolate...

DRY INGREDIENTS:  Sift together in mixer bowl

1 1/2 C of flour

3/4 tsp. of baking powder

1/2 tsp. of baking soda

1/2 tsp. of salt

1/2 C cocoa powder (optional)

WET INGREDIENTS:  Mix in measuring cup

1 C of soymilk (I used almond milk)

1 tsp. of apple cider vinegar

2 tbsp. of cornstarch

3/4 C of plus 2 tbsp sugar (light brown is nice)

2 tsp. of vanilla

1/3 C of canola oil (I used coconut oil for one, crisco for the other)

1) Preheat the oven to 350F.  Line cupcake tin with paper liners.

2) Start the mixer with the paddle attachment, slowly pouring in the wet ingredients and oils.

3) Once everything is incorporated, scoop batter into paper cups and add fillings.

4) Bake 21-23 minutes, until toothpick comes out clean.

I got a great 1 tbsp ice cream scoop the other day.  It is wonderful for not spilling the batter EVERYWHERE!  Two scoops per cupcake, and significantly better portioning!

FILLINGS: 1/2 tbsp per cupcake

1) Candied ginger:  Fill liner with batter, press ginger into the center.

2) Cinnamon apples:  Chop up an apple (Granny Smith here) and place in a small pot with a bit of water and a lot of cinnamon.  Heat until the apples start to dry out so they don't make the cupcakes soggy.  Press into the center of the batter.

3) Strawberry:  Pit and chop up strawberries and stew in small pot with a little bit of water until they dry out and have a jam-like consistency.  Spoon into center of battered cups.

4) Bananananana:  Slice banana into 1/2" chunks and lightly cook in a dry pan.  Add one scoop of batter to tin, place banana slice in center, add second scoop of batter.  Top with another slice of banana.

5) Peanut butter:  Add one scoop of batter to tin, place small scoop of peanut butter in center, add second scoop of batter.  Top with a couple of peanuts.

6) Cry You American Pansies:  Between the two scoops of batter, add small chunks of Chocolate Abuelita (vegan!) and red pepper flakes.  Top with pepper flakes.